To live a well balanced, rewarding life of our dreams by day and sleep restfully at night.
Ten ways to put yourself at-ease, not dis-ease
Published March 14, 2011 | 
To live a well balanced life by day and sleep restfully at night, it is certainly preferable to live and do the things that put us at our ease (calm, centered, joyful, healthy etc) rather than ones that cause dis-ease (anxiety, insomnia, stress, health challenges, etc.)
Here are some ideas to put you at-ease:
1. Just be. That’s it.
2. You are enough, just as you are.
3. When things bother you, let them go as quickly as possible. Tomorrow, next week, or next year will it matter at all?
4. Please yourself and God. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.
5. Doing your best does not mean having to be perfect.
6. Do what makes you giddy.
7. Do things for no other reason but you want to.
8. Think of all the good you do. This world and the people you touch on a daily basis would not be the same without YOU.
9. If you are making “mistakes” and “bad decisions” that is fantastic- you are acting and doing things that are bringing you closer to success.
10. Take care of yourself. The world will not stop turning on its axis if you permit yourself to unplug and recharge a bit (that hot bath and romance novel awaits).
In peace (and I’m taking a hot bubble bath as soon as I post this!),
Debra
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“Care, but not that much” ~ Herb Cohen- Putting People Pleasing To Rest
Published January 7, 2011 | 
In my lifetime people pleasing has probably been the leading cause of: loss of sleep, worry, anxiety, holding myself back, missed opportunities, and lines on my face.
Perhaps from the time I was a little girl I got conditioned to not just want but absolutely need the approval of my father and when I started school, my teachers. Then when I started my first job, my bosses.
Throughout the years I conducted myself being mindful or thinking about what others thought of me. What did they think of how I looked? What I wore? Who I hung out with? What I did for a living? What my house looked like? How my kids behave? What I said? What car I drove? The agonizing list can go on.
Those of you who are prone to anxiety like I am can relate to this I’m sure. In the past few years I decided that I am tired of living this way- for others. What I need to be doing is making sure I am okay with myself. What others think really does not have to have any control or power over me. This is not an easy task, the shedding of people pleasing. We people pleasers of the world seem to have the mandate of “being nice and perfect” firmly entrenched in our psyches.
I believe that if one can lick the people pleasing thing, peace of mind, a happier life, and much more restful nights of sleep are at hand for the taking.
Sound good? Here are some ideas that are helping me. I can’t say I am completely cured of my people pleasing yet but I, at age 44, am much better than I was even a few years ago.
My list of ten people pleasing blasters:
- Realize that you are enough. You are perfectly fine just as you are. There is no need to impress others.
- Work on living YOUR truth. Be your authentic self. This is your life after all. If not now, when?
- Most people are too busy worrying about themselves or about what you are thinking of them. They don’t have time to be thinking about you.
- What other people think is none of your business (ha! I just love that one).
- If you tried your best, can you really please everybody? The resounding answer is, of course, NO! So, why even try?
- Life is like a buffet table. There is a variety out there and not everybody puts the same things on their plates. The people who are not putting you on their plates- well, just bless them. Then look at and give thanks for all the people who do appreciate, love, and support you. You’d better get a second plate for this plate of yours is awful full!
- When all is said and done, what really matters in the end? Only you can answer that. This would be an excellent journal writing exercise.
- I encourage you to get in the habit of getting out of your comfort zone frequently and stretching yourself. Many of us who have people pleasing tendencies are actually pretty introverted even if we appear outgoing. Walk with confidence. Speak with confidence. Try attending a public speaking class such as Toastmasters. You will find your true voice. You are stronger than you think! It is also eye opening to discover that most of us are afraid to put ourselves out there. 99% of us wear our public persona masks. You are not alone.
- At the root of people pleasing is a kind of perfectionism streak which is not healthy for us. Newsflash: you are not perfect. None of us are. And that is okay! Give yourself permission to ease up and be gentle with yourself. You are just fine.
- If you find yourself bogged down in your anxious people pleasing state, ask yourself, “what is the worst that can happen”? If so and so really was offended by something you said or you didn’t get a perfect evaluation at work, does it really matter? Next week, next month, next year, or ten years from now- will it matter?
I will stop here for tonight. This is a subject I feel very strongly about for it is something that has really affected my life. If I can assist in any way to support you in extinguishing people pleasing from your life agenda, then I will be happy.
In peace (and total confidence in myself),
Debra
P.S. I hope that you have found value in this article. If not, I bless you but I will not lose sleep over it. Okay? : )
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Are you a people pleaser? People pleasing leads to anxiety, worry, and loss of sleep
Published July 22, 2010 | 
Some of us who are prone to anxiety are what you would call: “people pleasers”. That is, we worry about what others think of us. We are “nice” people and want others to be happy, often at the expense of our own well being.
How do you know that you are a people pleaser?
- After being at a party or other social event, you replay agonizingly in your mind the conversations you had with others.
- You worry that something you said offended somebody.
- You hold yourself back from saying things you want to say or doing things you want to do because you worry about what others would think about it.
- Approval and acceptance by others is very important to you.
- You don’t like to make waves.
- At work, you go along to get along or keep to yourself to stay “under the radar”.
- You don’t like to bring attention to yourself.
- You avoid risk.
- You don’t ever feel attractive, rich enough, or smart enough.
- You are sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily.
- You take things personally.
- You dress to please others rather than yourself.
- You are shy, timid, and have low confidence in yourself.
- You smile excessively.
- You are “too nice”.
- You are passive.
- You give in easily to others’ demands.
- You avoid social situations.
- You think of yourself as a follower, not a leader.
- You don’t pursue your passions or dreams because you are afraid of failure.
Do any of these sound like you? I came up with a long list here and could probably think of more because I myself have been a people pleaser most of my life. I am here to tell you right now, that people pleasing really sucks!!
People pleasing:
- Causes anxiety
- Causes a loss of sleep
- Causes excess worry
- Makes us think bad about ourselves
- Causes health problems
- Affects relationships we have with others
- Affects our success at school and in our careers
- Causes us to miss out on wonderful life experiences because we permit fear to hold us back.
- Keeps us from living and achieving our dreams, goals, and passions.
- Fosters low self-worth, low self-esteem
- May set us up to be taken advantage of; or worse, abused by others.
A few years ago, I decided that life is just too short to live like this. Enough was enough. I worked a lot on myself and created a lot of change to be the person I wanted to be and have the life that I wanted for myself. I have read a lot, journaled a lot, meditated a lot, spent time with wonderful mentors, attended Lifestream, and attended a Tony Robbins’ program about finding the power within ourselves.
I’m not totally “cured” of my people pleasing. I’ll get little doses of it, here and there. I still don’t assert myself at work as much as I need to. I am still not the most extroverted person at a party. I still sometimes take things personally when I know I shouldn’t. But over all, I am so much better. No longer is my people pleasing causing that anxiety monster to keep me up at night. I am no longer on anti-anxiety medication. I am challenging myself with a new career, new residence, new projects, new relationship, new people, new interests, new ideas, and new experiences. I am not obsessively worrying about what others are thinking of me or worrying if I offended somebody with what I said or did.
If people pleasing and the anxiety that inherently comes with it has been an issue for you and holding you back in life, then I encourage you to work on this. It will free you tremendously. We all deserve to live the most fulfilling lives possible. The world needs us. We are not going to be as fulfilled as we can be and be of service to others and the world if we are keeping ourselves in bondage with all of this anxious people pleasing.
So, the answer? Just quit it!
Here are some ideas to put a halt to your people pleasing now and begin to live the life you were intended to live:
- Know that you are enough- just the way you are. You don’t need to prove yourself or justify yourself to anyone else.
- What others think of you is none of your business. When you are worried about what others are thinking of, chances are they are not thinking about you anyway- they may very well be worried about what you are thinking about them. Ha!
- Be mindful of the company you keep: spend time with people who love you and support you. If you are currently in an abusive relationship get help immediately. This is your life.
- If you are in a job that is not right for you know that you are not stuck. You can change employment or careers anytime you wish. Take steps now to do work that you would love to do. What are you waiting for? It is never too late.
- The same goes for where you live. If you don’t like the present town or city you live in, you can move! That is the beauty of living in a free country where we are free to be mobile. If there is someplace else you would rather live, what is stopping you from just moving there? The only limitations are what you are putting on yourself.
- Practice asserting yourself more. In conversations with others, state your opinion about something. Feel confident about it. People won’t be judging you. Chances are you may give them something to think about and converse about.
- You can’t and will not please everybody. That is a big one. That would be a good one to put on a sticky note and put on your computer, desk, bedside table, refrigerator etc. It is just not possible to please everybody and nor is it our job to even try. I have to remind myself of that every time I see someone has stopped following me on Twitter, for instance. I just simply can’t be all things to all people. Some people are going to find value in what I am doing here at The Warm Milk Journal and some aren’t and will choose to move on. And you know what? That is okay! I don’t take it personally. I don’t take it as a rejection. I simply bless them and release them. Acceptance brings so much peace!!!
- Don’t take things personally. This is another big idea that has helped me tremendously! I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In this book, the second “agreement” is to not take things personally. This idea probably more than any other has helped me in my life.
I am going to stop here for now. This is a longer post than I usually write but obviously it is a subject I feel very strongly about. People pleasing and the anxiety that goes with it is a form of torture that we impose on ourselves. I know it. I’ve done it to myself most of my life. It can be absolutely debilitating at its worst. At the very least, even a mild case of it can really keep us from “going for it”! And truly living the lives we were meant to live.
The Warm Milk Journal is about living the life of our dreams by day and sleeping restfully at night.
If we can cancel the people pleasing subscription from our lives I would say we are well on our way!
Have a blessed day.
Debra : )
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