Some of us who are prone to anxiety are what you would call: “people pleasers”. That is, we worry about what others think of us. We are “nice” people and want others to be happy, often at the expense of our own well being.

How do you know that you are a people pleaser?

1. After being at a party or other social event, you replay agonizingly in your mind the conversations you had with others.
2. You worry that something you said offended somebody.
3. You hold yourself back from saying things you want to say or doing things you want to do because you worry about what others would think about it.
4. Approval and acceptance by others is very important to you.
5. You don’t like to make waves.
6. At work, you go along to get along or keep to yourself to stay “under the radar”.
7. You don’t like to bring attention to yourself.
8. You avoid risk.
9. You don’t ever feel attractive, rich enough, or smart enough.
10. You are sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily.
11. You take things personally.
12. You dress to please others rather than yourself.
13. You are shy, timid, and have low confidence in yourself.
14. You smile excessively.
15. You are “too nice”.
16. You are passive.
17. You give in easily to others’ demands.
18. You avoid social situations.
19. You think of yourself as a follower, not a leader.
20. You don’t pursue your passions or dreams because you are afraid of failure.

Do any of these sound like you? I came up with a long list here and could probably think of more because I myself have been a people pleaser most of my life. I am here to tell you right now, that people pleasing really sucks!!

People pleasing:

1. Causes anxiety
2. Causes a loss of sleep
3. Causes excess worry
4. Makes us think bad about ourselves
5. Causes health problems
6. Affects relationships we have with others
7. Affects our success at school and in our careers
8. Causes us to miss out on wonderful life experiences because we permit fear to hold us back.
9. Keeps us from living and achieving our dreams, goals, and passions.
10. Fosters low self-worth, low self-esteem
11. May set us up to be taken advantage of; or worse, abused by others.

A few years ago, I decided that life is just too short to live like this. Enough was enough. I worked a lot on myself and created a lot of change to be the person I wanted to be and have the life that I wanted for myself. I have read a lot, journaled a lot, meditated a lot, spent time with wonderful mentors, attended Lifestream, and attended a Tony Robbins’ program about finding the power within ourselves.

I’m not totally “cured” of my people pleasing. I’ll get little doses of it, here and there. I still don’t assert myself at work as much as I need to. I am still not the most extroverted person at a party. I still sometimes take things personally when I know I shouldn’t. But over all, I am so much better. No longer is my people pleasing causing that anxiety monster to keep me up at night. I am no longer on anti-anxiety medication. I am challenging myself with a new career, new residence, new projects, new relationship, new people, new interests, new ideas, and new experiences. I am not obsessively worrying about what others are thinking of me or worrying if I offended somebody with what I said or did.

If people pleasing and the anxiety that inherently comes with it has been an issue for you and holding you back in life, then I encourage you to work on this. It will free you tremendously. We all deserve to live the most fulfilling lives possible. The world needs us. We are not going to be as fulfilled as we can be and be of service to others and the world if we are keeping ourselves in bondage with all of this anxious people pleasing.

So, the answer? Just quit it!

Here are some ideas to put a halt to your people pleasing now and begin to live the life you were intended to live:

1. Know that you are enough- just the way you are. You don’t need to prove yourself or justify yourself to anyone else.
2. What others think of you is none of your business. When you are worried about what others are thinking of, chances are they are not thinking about you anyway- they may very well be worried about what you are thinking about them. Ha!
3. Be mindful of the company you keep: spend time with people who love you and support you. If you are currently in an abusive relationship get help immediately. This is your life.
4. If you are in a job that is not right for you know that you are not stuck. You can change employment or careers anytime you wish. Take steps now to do work that you would love to do. What are you waiting for? It is never too late.
5. The same goes for where you live. If you don’t like the present town or city you live in, you can move! That is the beauty of living in a free country where we are free to be mobile. If there is someplace else you would rather live, what is stopping you from just moving there? The only limitations are what you are putting on yourself.
6. Practice asserting yourself more. In conversations with others, state your opinion about something. Feel confident about it. People won’t be judging you. Chances are you may give them something to think about and converse about.
7. You can’t and will not please everybody. That is a big one. That would be a good one to put on a sticky note and put on your computer, desk, bedside table, refrigerator etc. It is just not possible to please everybody and nor is it our job to even try. I have to remind myself of that every time I see someone has stopped following me on Twitter, for instance. I just simply can’t be all things to all people. Some people are going to find value in what I am doing here at The Warm Milk Journal and some aren’t and will choose to move on. And you know what? That is okay! I don’t take it personally. I don’t take it as a rejection. I simply bless them and release them. Acceptance brings so much peace!!!
8. Don’t take things personally. This is another big idea that has helped me tremendously! I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In this book, the second “agreement” is to not take things personally. This idea probably more than any other has helped me in my life.

I am going to stop here for now. This is a longer post than I usually write but obviously it is a subject I feel very strongly about. People pleasing and the anxiety that goes with it is a form of torture that we impose on ourselves. I know it. I’ve done it to myself most of my life. It can be absolutely debilitating at its worst. At the very least, even a mild case of it can really keep us from “going for it”! And truly living the lives we were meant to live.

The Warm Milk Journal is about living the life of our dreams by day and sleeping restfully at night.

If we can cancel the people pleasing subscription from our lives I would say we are well on our  way!

Have a blessed day.

Debra : )

Related Posts:

• “Care, but not that much” ~ Herb Cohen- Putting People Pleasing To Rest
• Twelve steps to take to lessen worry and anxiety and feel more confident!
• Anxious thoughts flirting with you? 8 ways to stop anxiety before it outright bites and attacks you.
• What is keeping you awake at night?
• Ten things we all have in common